Doesn't anyone want breakfast?
I have an egg and some M&M's. I can make an omelette.
No, thanks. I'm nauseous after last night's feast...
...of the three-legged chicken.
Why buy a chicken with three drumsticks?
It cost 7 cents a pound.
The one with two legs cost $1.19 a pound.
Excuse me for thinking of our bankbook instead of our health.
Didn't you think something was wrong when the label said Chernobyl Farms?
I mean, how many chickens have flippers?
Well, don't blame me for that. I just thought it was an extra head.
- You liked it, Bud? - It was tasty, but hard to eat.
Every time I cut a piece off, it would grow back.
Can't somebody get Kelly out of the bathroom? I'm trying to pass a beak.
- Next. - That's me, Dad. I have to...
...stud myself up for school.
So you'll be needing your smoking jacket with matching blue Pampers.
Girls like me.
They do.
What's for lunch today? Leftover chicken tumour?
You know, I'm hurt.
I feed a family of four for 32 cents, and all I get is grief.
I am saving money for the more important things for this family.
Can I have $70 to play the lottery?
Can't I just give you 70 cents for some prime rib?
Oh, please, Al. The jackpot is up to $6 million and I have a system.
I know I can win.
Leave Daddy alone, Mom. He works hard for his money.
Dad?
Could I have $100 for a python?
I need one for the school talent show.
Marry your own wallet.
Oh, Al, please? I just need $70 to play my system.
I've studied the numbers. In school there was one thing I was good at.
The real world doesn't give prizes for the longest period by a sophomore.
- It's yours, Dad. - It's about time.
The man who works, pays the bills...
...gets to enjoy the fruits of his labour.
Stand back, kids. Let Daddy show you how it's done.
And you might want to put on your galoshes.
Oh, no.
Yep. She's risin' like the mighty Mississipp'.
From what I can tell, you or Mom...
...flushed Kelly's report card down the toilet.
Oh, no. Did I let the F's out of the bag?
- AI, she's failing again. - Who cares?
I've got a chicken pecking its way out of my body.
Why'd we buy a house with one bathroom?
Because all the houses in our price range were on fire.
Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.
We all have to live with disappointments.
I, of course, have to sleep with mine.
Is that its new name?
But the point is...
...when I was growing up, I had two dreams.
One was being an astronaut and landing on the planet Jayne Mansfield.
The other was having a bathroom all to myself.
Well, Daddy got blown off course and had to crash on a much darker planet...
...but I'm going to realize my second dream. I'm going to build a bathroom.
The greatest bathroom in the world. I want you to know something.
Nobody uses that bathroom but me.
Al, honey, how can we afford a new bathroom?
As it is, we give the kids candy and tell them it's vitamins.
No more vitamins for a while, kids.
Don't worry. It won't cost much. 'Cause I'm gonna build it myself.
Mom, I'm scared.
Hi, honey. How was school?
Reading, adding, false alarm, principal's office, the usual.
Kelly, you believe in your mother, don't you?
Well, a little bit.
That's sweet. Can I borrow money for the lottery?
I can't. Since Dad decided to build a bathroom, he took away our allowance.
Does he think blond hair just grows out of your head?
It's here!
Where's Bud? I want him to see this.
Bud, get down here. Family, gather round.
What is it, Dad?
My destiny, son.
When I was a young boy, I told myself when I grew up I would have one thing:
A toilet bowl like my dad had.
I thought it was a head like a peanut.
He had one of those too.
You're not gonna ruin my moment.
Now, stand back and feast your eyes on this!
Is it just me, or is that a toilet?
Not just a toilet, a Ferguson, the king of bowls.
Bud, sit down.
Let me tell you the story of the Ferguson.
Now, these babies were made in Maine at the little Ferguson factory.
It's the Stradivarius of toilets. My dad could play it like a violin.
I'll never forget the time my dad took me to visit the factory.
I had to go to the bathroom. I begged him to go to a truck stop.
He said, "Wait till we get there. It'll be worth it."
It was.
Excuse me here, Dad, but a toilet is a toilet.
Bud, the toilets today aren't worthy of the name.
They come in designer colours, and are too low.
When you flush them they make this weak, almost apologetic sound.
Not the Ferguson. It only comes in white.
When you flush it:
That's a man's flush, Bud.
A Ferguson says, " I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot."
Oh, if only a Ferguson could speak, the tales it would tell.
And now I've got one of my very own.
Yeah, I just wish Dad could be aliv...
This time, I don't think he's coming back.
Oh, look, Dad. I'm sitting on my own Ferguson...
...just like you always knew I would.
Remember this at the trial, kids.
A Ferguson, you say.
It's made by elves, I think...
...somewhere in Canada.
How long will it take to build a bathroom?
The instructions say a child can do it in three weeks.
So you figure six, eight months.
Then we'll bring in a child.
On the plus side, a second bathroom increases the value of the house.
But on the minus side, doing it himself, is he?
Steve, why don't you go help?
- Why should I help? - lf you don't, he may not finish.
Then he'll come over and use our bathroom.
Like last week.
He killed our goldfish.
Hi, Al. I was just cutting through here to go home.
Hang on a second, Steve. I want to ask you something.
What do you think so far?
It's a dream, Al.
Many's the time I'll be in my bathroom wishing I could look at my car.
Do I detect a green-eyed monster sneaking into your voice?
You can be honest. It's beautiful, isn't it?
I don't see any area marked off for a sink.
Hey, this is a man's bathroom.
You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, in my case, Peggy...
...you get nylons on the shower rod...
...you get Nair where the toothpaste should be...
...and a bottle of vinegar lying around.
I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad?
Well, not in my bathroom, Steve.
My medicine cabinet will have guy stuff:
Rolaids, milk of magnesia, Tums, my razor.
Why have a razor without a sink?
It's not for shaving. It's for peace of mind.
Look over here. This is my own design.
This is my four-roll toilet paper dispenser.
No more running out in crucial situations.
When the bomb drops, I'm set.
Listen, there might be looting out there.
You might want a rifle to protect those babies.
That's a good thought, Steve.
I had a great thought.
I've been going to lots of bathrooms. Research.
I saw something in a public bathroom that would work great here.
A door high enough so you can crawl under without paying?
Excuse me. I don't have class like you...
...what with a fish floating belly-up in your bathroom.
That fish was alive in the morning, Al.
Anyway, I was in a handicapped stall, and I noticed they have a great rail.
Many's the time I need a rail to help me get up.
- You don't want this chicken? - Nah. Kids hate leftovers.
Oh, don't put it anywhere near a clock.
I just know my lottery numbers are gonna come up.
And I just need $70 to play. So, what do you say?
You lend me the $70, and if I win, I'll pay you back.
Let me be honest. I once loaned money to a friend...
...and that person never paid me back. I never said a word...
...but I harboured a deep resentment. It strained our relationship.
The sight of that person made me sick.
You're kidding. What a lowlife.
- Who was it? - It was you, Peggy.
Would you like to have the rights to Al's organs after he dies? Sound good?
Oh, no. I can't do that. I hocked those the other day for a tank of gas.
But I think I have a spleen left.
No, but thank you.
We have so many knickknacks, it would just be one more thing to dust.
If you need the money, they're looking for help at the supermarket.
You'd do that for me?
Listen, why don't you just ask Al for the money?
I can't. Since he's been building that bathroom...
...he hides his wallet in a different place.
Al's bowels are draining the very lifeblood out of this family.
All he thinks about is that bathroom. He makes flushing sounds in his sleep.
Not that he's given up his regular sounds.
Well, I guess I'm lucky. Steve just holds himself and hums.
What a pig.
But at least he's not building a monument to his regularity.
I am telling you, Al loves that toilet bowl more than he does me.
Peggy, don't be ridiculous.
Hi, Peg.
Daddy loves you.
What does the toilet have that I don't?
A job.
And no one has won our big jackpot. So k eep playing...
...'cause the $ 21 million jackpot could be yours.
Twenty-one mil, and it's all gonna be mine.
You mean ours, don't you, Mom?
Sure.
This is ridiculous.
Mom, when is Dad gonna turn the electricity on?
I wanna play some records.
You don't need records. You know all the words.
Just chant, "Oh, Satan. Yea, Satan.
Satan, I'm your squeeze."
- Eat Dad's socks. - Sniff his shoes.
Now, kids, we are all just a little on edge here.
We're letting the cold and dark get to us.
Mom, seriously, is this our life?
Well, I think you're old enough to know the truth.
Yes, it is.
Okay, kids, coats off. Daddy's on a break.
I'm just having the time of my life.
Bud.
Hi, Kelly.
Fergie.
I got an idea. Say I get the camera...
...and we each pose for a picture with the bowl.
Oh, can I stick my head in it, please?
You just wise-guyed yourself out of a picture, young lady.
- Who's first? - AI, we are living like Okies.
- Can you please finish that bathroom? - I'm in the homestretch.
I'd be done, but something keeps happening to my stuff.
Bud, did you take my adjustable wrenches?
Yeah, Dad. You're onto me.
I've been having wild parties. I've been inviting girls...
...and we turn the lights down real low, and we gang-fix the sink.
Kelly.
Look around. If I was gonna steal, it certainly wouldn't be from this house.
It must be the neighbours.
People hear you got a Ferguson, they think you got money.
Yeah, well, people hear you got a husband, they think you have sex.
Say what you will. You won't bring me down.
This bowl has given me a natural high.
Button up. I'm going back to work.
I wish I could figure out what's happening to my tools, towels...
...and my life, and my manhood.
Drop that tile!
You, Peg?
I'm sorry, but it's just that you've been hiding your wallet...
...and I had to sell your tools for lottery money.
Oh, Al. You see, if you die, then I can get welfare...
...but if you live, I have nothing.
I had to do it. Don't you understand? You've got this bathroom.
Well, this lottery is my bathroom. We each have a dream.
Yours is just pathetic.
If you think the lottery is more important than our marriage, go ahead.
Did I forget to mention you won't make it to the door?
Come on, Peg. Sit down here.
Peg...
...honey, we don't need the lottery. We've got each other.
I want the lottery.
All I'm asking you to do is nothing. Nobody does that better than you.
Pretend the kids are hungry and I've got the flu.
Just sit on the couch and pretend you don't exist?
- Like that time you broke your foot? - Yes!
Just for one week, Peg. Can you do it for me, please?
You're so cute when you beg.
I'll do it, Al.
There's just one thing. If you have to steal for the lottery...
...for one week, steal from the kids. Okay?
Okay.
Peg, you know, a funny thing happened. I was at the gas station the other day.
I was rubbing my eyes. This mechanic came over to me and he said:
"Don't do that, I own those."
What do you think he meant?
You know how foreigners are, honey. They think they own everything.
Congratulations to our $60 million winner, Mr. Soo Lum Park.
Not bad for two weeks in the country, hey, Soo?
- Did anybody take my skateboard? - Oh, leave me alone.
Well, Daddy finally finished his bathroom.
You know, the living room seems so much bigger without the Ferguson.
This must be quite a moment for your father.
He's in there breaking in the Ferguson as we speak.
Must be having fun, he's been in there for over an hour.
How was it, Al?
I don't know, Peg.
I'm constipated.
This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this happened to Dad.
Do you want me to undercook you some chicken, honey?
No. It'll take something stronger than raw chicken to get me fixed up.
Stay tuned for the rest of our exciting ABC lineup:
Roseanne, Moonlighting, and the award-winning thirtysomething.
Now, that's a man's flush.
Hot enough for you, folks? It must be 1000 degrees out there.
Yep, it's summertime, and the winos are sizzling.
Fish are hopping, and the DJ is high. I hope you're all as cool as I am.
I wonder what the poor people are doing today.
Just buy us an air conditioner.
You don't want to be stuck inside today.
Come on, dive in.
Be careful. It hasn't been an hour since you've eaten.
Don't worry. Sometimes you just gotta go for it.
Daddy, I'm sweating cats and dogs. This pool sucks.
If you two are bored, let's have a little Jacuzzi action.
Hey, Peg, a little Tang margarita, s'il vous plait.
Coming right up.
You forgot the Tang.
Look, Al, as much as I applaud you exposing yourself to water...
...don't you think it's time we bought an air conditioner?
Can't a 100-degree day go by...
...without you bringing up air conditioning?
As soon as we get one, they'll invent something new.
I'll be damned if I get one!
That's the same thing you said about the toothbrush.
Look, Dad, I know I'm no psychology major...
...but could the reason for your reluctance be...
...that you're the cheapest man on the planet?
Bud, if I was cheap would we have all this?
Now, I'll hear no more about this. Kelly, let's play "sea monster."
A sea monster!
Daddy...!
Mom, Dad scared me.
He scares us all, honey.
Al...
Al, I'm going to ask you one more time, rationally.
- Can we have an air conditioner? - As long as I have my pool to frolic in...
...we don't need an air conditioner.
As I was saying...
All right, kids. It's time.
Hey!
My pool! My pool, Peg!
- Nice shooting, Mom. - Not really.
I was aiming at Daddy.
Mom, can we throw a couple more on?
Well, this is the last of them.
There were four cubes the last time we checked.
No! There were three.
She's cube-hogging!
I'll hold her. You get the tongs of life.
It's Daddy!
It's our air conditioner. Oh, God.
At long last, we're all gonna be cool.
Even you, Bud, for the very first time.
Yeah, well, it's a long time since you had a first time for anything.
Don't get too cocky. Remember, Dad went himself.
It's just an air conditioner. A moron could get an air conditioner.
I could get an air conditioner.
Kids, come and help me here.
I can't see. I can't see.
- Have you got it? - Yeah, Dad.
All right. Good.
All right. Easy there.
It's heavy, easy. Here we go.
Kids, you okay?
Fine.
Yes, family, look at it. It's a Kaiser.
The pride of World War II Germany.
Look at it, kids. Doesn't it just say "cool"?
Actually, it says, "Property of Erwin Rommel."
I thought you were going for one of those Korean ones.
You know, with names like the real ones.
Like our Frigidoor refrigerator, R- C-Hey TV...
Or my beauti-fool wife.
Kids, what you're looking at...
...is the world-famous Kaiser Air Cooling Blatz.
The Jerries swore by these, but more importantly...
...they were at the forefront of 1942 technology.
Now this baby's ours, Peg.
This is the best damn 17 bucks I ever spent.
- God, I must have loved you once. - You don't know what love is...
...till you've been kissed by the cool lips of a Kaiser.
Bud, help me bring in the main part.
Then we'll be as cool as I remember myself in high school.
Gee, Mom. Thanks for the precious gift of life.
Bud, you got it all spliced in?
Yeah, Dad! Right into the city's transformer.
- Dad, is this legal? - No, so don't use any names.
Bud, come down now. Kelly, keep the flashlight on till he...
Dad!
He's down, Daddy!
No names!
Peg, wanna go upstairs and get some blankets and sweaters?
Turn it on, Mongo.
Nice fall, Bud.
Now, we are ready.
Peg, would you do the honors, please?
Easy, Peg. You're not having sex with it.
We'll know for sure if it quits after 10 seconds and asks, "What's on TV?"
You know, this could be you. I don't feel a thing.
Just keep cranking.
There. Listen to that.
The satisfying hum of fine German engineering.
Is it just me or is it getting warmer in here?
That's because I've got it on der low.
Let's turn this up.
I'll turn this up to blitzkrieg.
There. What do you feel now?
- Anger. - Despair.
All right. All right.
I'll just ease this baby up to der freezing my heinie off.
There. That ought to shut you up.
It's gonna blow!
Good news, Dad. It's not just our house.
The whole neighborhood's gone dark.
- They don't know it's our fault. - Bundy did this!
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
God, where'd they get the torches and pitchforks so fast?
Shut up! Put your weight against the door! They're coming in!
Well, desert fox...
Well, desert fox, where will you lead us now?
You fools.
You think I only had one plan to keep us cool?
No. Trust me. Air conditioning ye want...
...air conditioning ye shall have.
I wonder what the poor people are doing.
Did I promise you the good life?
Honey, if only everyone could be as happy as we are.
Everybody doesn't have me, babe.
That poor woman.
It just shows that there can be...
...unhappiness in even a grand place like...
- What do you call this place again? - Supermarket, babe.
Supermarket. Wow!
A big building with food. What'll they think of next?
Free sample?
Well, thank you, cheese lady.
If you see the lady with the tray of weenies, tell her we've been waiting.
My hands are greasy from eating. Where's Kelly with my towel?
Here I am, Daddy.
Daddy, what's this?
Looks like some kind of vegetable, honey.
Bud, go deep.
Excuse me, but as the only one who hasn't yet been fingerprinted...
...you think nobody's gonna notice we're living in aisle four?
We're your parents. Let us worry about it.
Now, go over to aisle 12 and get Daddy some slippers.
And while you're at it, get Mom some perfume too.
Al, you remembered my birthday.
Folks, excuse me. What are you doing here?
What does it look like we're doing here? We're shopping.
- You've been here for 4 hours. - We're conscientious shoppers.
Peg, you wanna read me the ingredients on those chips?
"Potatoes."
That's not quite what I'm looking for.
I know the look of a family without an air conditioner.
- I'll have to call the manager. - Wait a second.
All right. You look like a smart young guy. I think maybe I can trust you.
My name's Al Bundy. I'm with the National Supermarket Security Agency.
There's been a rash of food thefts in the area. That's what I'm here for.
Bundy. I carry a whistle.
- Really? - Now, act natural.
See that woman over there? Don't look.
That's Velveeta Annie.
The notorious blue-haired cheese bandit.
I've been on her trail since the Dakotas.
Mrs. Gillis? She's been shopping here for years.
Kid, don't you know that Gillis is the underworld name for cheese booster?
- Are you sure about this? - Don't look at her now.
I think she's making her move.
Let's see... Yeah, I think we got her now.
I think the eagle has landed.
Listen, I don't want to blow my cover, so you take it, kid.
Thank you, Special Agent Bundy.
So how do you like our cheese, Gillis? Hopefully as much as you like our jails.
- Come along, baby. - Bobby, what's come over you?
But I was your kindergarten teacher.
Gee, Al, you think we did the right thing?
So an old lady goes to jail. So who gets hurt?
This is living, isn't it, babe?
Look, isn't that the family of poor people everyone says is living here?
Isn't it pathetic?
Get a job, buddy!
Why, you little...
I have half a mind to move us to aisle six and not tell him.
I'm bored. I'm gonna go boost us a radio. Does anyone want anything?
How about some plants. You know, for ambience?
How about you, Daddy?
Miss? Excuse me. I think you dropped something.
Thank you, market dweller.
Daddy?
What?
Do you want anything?
Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons.
And a plucked chicken.
I thought I smelled shoes.
Well, if it isn't the Vanderbundys in their summer home.
Hi, Marcy. Are you having a party?
No.
Thanks to Al, I and the rest of the block are sweltering to death.
Are they still mad at me?
For blacking out the neighborhood on the hottest day of the year?
Heck, no. In fact, it's brought us all closer together.
When we were burning you in effigy, I ran into people I hadn't seen in years.
We sat around, sang our favorite folk songs like:
"If I Had a Hammer, I'd Drive It Through Al Bundy's Skull."
You know, we feel terrible about this whole mess, don't we?
Miss, I think you dropped your corn.
- Oops, thank you. - Thank you.
Miss, you dropped your flea fogger.
Oops.
- Thank you. - No, thank you.
Miss?
You dropped your broccoli spears.
- Thanks again. - No, thank you.
Bud, here's something men do.
Quick, get me something.
Excuse me, miss.
You dropped your... eggs.
Weren't you the guy rubbing up against me at the bus?
No.
I meant him.
You little...
"Cheese security"?
I saw his credentials. They say he's the best.
I don't know. I got my doubts about this guy.
I know I know that face from somewhere.
- What did you say his name was? - Bundy. Al Bundy.
I'm going to check him out.
Yellow alert! Yellow alert!
So you're the dairy spy?
Why not just announce it to the whole store!
You're on report, buddy.
Kelly, give me a pen.
Blue or red?
Blue.
Fine point or husky?
Never mind, Pumpkin.
Wait a minute. Al Bundy. Of course.
You've been dribbling checks all over town.
- Buy something or get out. - Alrighty.
- Peg, checkbook. - Cash only.
And I still want two forms of ID.
You just lost yourself some business, buster!
Kids, we're moving to the drugstore down the street.
Buy something, or you'll be moving into jail.
Alrighty.
Family meeting.
Kids, you got any money for old Dad?
Eighteen cents.
When I needed batteries, you said you didn't have a dime.
No, we said we didn't give a damn.
Boy, how soon they forget the good times.
Come on, let's see what we can buy. Peg, bring the cart.
How do I work this thing?
The same thing you do with me. You just get behind and shove.
Marce, listen. I've only got a pack of gum.
- Could I get in front of you? - Eat hot death.
The National Enquirer. "Steve Rhoades Marries Cher."
Where? Where?
Congratulations, sir! You're our one millionth customer!
What does that mean?
You've won a free $ 1000 supermarket shopping spree!
Hey, I was the next in line!
What are you complaining about? You still are.
We won! We won!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Last week on Married With Children a heat wave gripped Chicago.
But after Al's pool mysteriously sprung a leak...
...he decided to do what any responsible husband would do.
He moved his family into the supermark et.
At first, life was good there.
Thank you, cheese lady.
Then life was bad.
Buy something or you'll be moving into jail.
Al bought something and became the millionth customer...
...winning a shopping spree. However, Marcie disagrees.
Hey, I was the next in line.
What are you complaining about? You still are.
It all gets settled tonight on Married With Children.
We won!
Al, listen to my heart beat.
It's incredible, Peg. I can hear it from here.
Sir, your ear hair is sticking me.
Get over here and celebrate with your family.
That man cut in front of me. I should've been the millionth customer.
Bundy, did you cut in front of this woman?
What woman?
You know it was me, you gaggle of pirates.
I have stood mutely by for five years...
...and watched you steal my paper, siphon my gas...
...loiter in my bushes, doing God knows what.
But I will not permit this. This is my $1000 shopping spree.
And I will have it if I have to carry my groceries home in your skulls.
You want me to clock her one, Daddy?
Let me handle this.
You know what you need to take your mind off this, babe?
A nice, cool Bud.
And keep the biting to a minimum.
It's a school night.
Excuse me, coming through.
Hi, I'm Mr. Foodie. I'm here to congratulate the winner.
- By the way, who is it? - Me!
What a lovely couple.
I'm not married to this thing. I'm married to that thing.
Wait a second. Aren't you Al Bundy?
Did you let this man pay with a check?
The only thing wrong with my checks is, they're postdated. Like your milk.
This man cut in front of me and bought gum.
I have been a faithful customer of this store for years.
My checks are always good. I have a customer card...
...and I know the Foodies' jingle by heart.
Well, that only proves that you two have little rhythm and no lives.
We, on the other hand, have a receipt and no lives.
And besides, we live here.
Hush, Pumpkin. Now, go wheel your brother to the car.
- All right, what are you gonna do here? - Well, there's only one fair way.
- Give us both prizes? - No, I meant fair for Foodies.
We'll let you compete for the prize. You'll both be in the shopping spree.
Whoever comes up with $1000 worth of groceries first gets to keep them.
- Well, what does the loser get? - Gets to congratulate the winner.
You know, Al, I've been thinking.
What if we really do win that $1000 worth of groceries?
Then what do we do?
I saw on 60 Minutes where some people with food actually cook it and eat it.
I've never seen Morley so shaken.
So I was right. I'm not the winner in this at all.
You get the food and the glory...
...and I just get endless hours standing in front of the big hot thing.
No, Peg, that's the stove. You're the big hot thing.
Peg, I'll tell you what.
If we win this contest, I get six hot meals.
Then we sell the food. We get an air conditioner.
Really, Al? You mean it? An air conditioner?
Six meals, Peg.
- One. - Four.
- One. - Three.
- One. - Done!
Mom, Dad, I think we're in for some trouble.
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy are doing wind sprints.
Then they drop for pushups.
Yeah. Jefferson does 25 with Marcie on his back...
...and then Marcie does 50 with Jefferson on her back.
I'm not worried. I'm a finely honed athlete.
And as for your mother, Peg, show them what a real pushup looks like.
All right, kids, I admit it. I did not marry well.
But if you haven't believed anything I've told you...
And we haven't.
Believe this: We will win this contest.
We will win. We will win big.
We will win in the Bundy tradition. We will cheat our heinies off.
- Now can I get a "Whoa, Bundy"? - Whoa, Bundy!
Look, Marcie, the best cart in the lot.
The Foodies' cart stunk. I got this from a bag lady across the street.
They always have the best stuff.
You excite me like no man I've ever met.
- No mercy to the Bundys. - No mercy.
Let's see them top this baby.
Excuse me.
What is this contraption?
That's Peg. You know her.
Not that, Pillsbury Shoe-boy.
This thing is not a regulation cart.
Au contraire, buzz cut.
- I found it right outside, didn't I? - Yeah, you did.
Mr. Foodie, a ruling, please.
- I don't know. - It's one of yours.
- See, it says, "We love Foodies." - I like that.
Here, let's get a picture of that baby.
But I'm not sure that this cart is one of mine.
- Well... - Yeah.
See, doesn't wobble.
Get these people a regulation Foodies cart.
All right, contestants. Places, please.
Dad, where did you get this cart?
Made it in the garage from parts of the lawn mower and your mother's car.
See, it's aerodynamic. Front and rear sway bars...
...rack-and-pinion steering...
...and genuine Ginsu-spiked attitude adjusters on the hood.
It's also got an antipersonnel device or two.
Just for show.
Damn that hair trigger. There goes my tiebreaker, Peg.
What do you think?
You do all this and you can't get a better job than shoe salesman?
Research would show that most great implements of death...
...are the result of zombied-out daydreams of shoe salesmen.
Now it's time to announce the host...
...of the Foodies' Millionth Customer competition.
Well, you loved him as The Beaver.
And now, I guess, as The New Beaver.
So let's give a warm Foodies welcome to Jerry Mathers.
Thank you very much. You're very kind.
I think our agreement called for cash in advance.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies.
The store with great food, and super-low prices.
Merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me?
Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the old Beav's head.
Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many.
Can't you give him a job at the shoe store?
That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with The Beaver and come home to you.
And now for the rules.
Whoever gets $1000 worth of food first gets to keep it...
...which is more than I'm getting for this gig.
Can it be true?
Can Match Game PM not use another celebrity?
Am I truly lower than Charles Nelson Reilly?
Who is this blubbering mess?
I think he was Opie.
Opie was Ron Howard, you little fool.
I was...
No, I am The Beaver!
Thank you, Jerry Mathers. Everybody. Everybody.
Spare me your pity clap.
Sign this, Opie.
It's Jerry, and it'll be two bucks.
What I think Mr. Mathers means is, "Contestants, wish each other luck."
- Drop dead. - Lick feet.
- Eat dust. - Grow hair.
On your mark.
Get set.
Go!
Come on, Peg! Come on, Peg!
Follow me, Peg! Follow me, baby!
Come on, Peg. Follow me.
Just like we planned. Just like we practiced.
Here's one. Here's two. Here's three.
Peg! Peg! Where is that damn woman?
Look, Al. "Do It To Me" red. They never have this at my salon.
If you want me, I'll be in beauty supplies.
- Too cheap, honey. We don't need it. - I know.
Look, Al. I found this really expensive...
Al?
Al Bundy, would you stop fooling around? Come on.
Al!
Could you settle a bet between me and my sister?
She says you frittered away all your money on booze and cheap women.
I say doughnuts and cheap booze.
Give me a quarter or just go away.
Put it in there. Let's go.
Viva la cart of death!
Mr. Beaver, could you settle another bet between me and my brother?
He says that you're so low that for this nickel you'll bellow like a moose.
Now I say if you could bellow like a moose, why would you be here?
Beav? Oh, Beav?
Attention, contestants. Our first totals are in.
The Bundys, $ 210. The D 'Arcys, $ 270.
Eat hot grocery death!
Al, honey, we're losing. And you're a pro at that. Do something!
We've been paying too much attention to Marcie and Jefferson.
From now on, we play with our heads instead of our hearts. Come on.
Come on, Marcie.
Jefferson?
If I was playing with my heart, I'd have waited till Marcie was loading.
- You're a good man, Al. - And a pretty darn good friend too.
Come on, Peg! Come on, Peg!
At last count: The D'Arcys, $720 worth. The Bundys, $710.
Look, here's 50 cents. It's all I have.
Just, please, leave me alone.
Just one last question, if the autograph hounds can stay back.
Did you ever think of teaming up with Eddie Munster for the Pathetic Tour?
Look, let's get this over with once and for all.
I may earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver...
...and appearing at supermarkets...
...but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
Golly, that felt good.
- That's my douche! - Oh, yeah?
Yeah? Well, you touched my girlie fizz.
- Come on. It's mine, and I want it! - Damn it, Al! We're both men.
There's plenty of room in feminine hygiene for both of us.
All right? Let's shake on it.
I'm blind...
...and I smell like summer rain.
- Peg! Peg, where are you? - Right here, honey.
Damn Jefferson blinded me with feminine goo.
He ought to spray it in his own eyes before getting into bed with that...
Al, honey, come on, stop dilly-dallying. We're behind!
- Why, Peg? - Come on. Let's go.
Jefferson, bonanza! lmported water!
Oh, my God. My contact. I've lost my contact!
You're just playing too much with Jefferson and Marcie...
...to pay attention to what you're doing.
I'll just have to pay attention for the both of us.
Jefferson, I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Marcie? Marcie, where are you?
There you are.
Look, shallots from Italy. You know how much these babies are worth?
I don't know, honey.
Could you dash over to the first-aid aisle and find me an artery clip?
Okey-dokey.
Oh, me...
That's me. I was The Beaver.
Who?
Our two families are running neck and neck. The D'Arcys, $990.
The Bundys, $979.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a horserace.
They've incapacitated the cart of death, Peg!
Oh, no! Al, we're gonna lose!
Not this time, babe.
Strike!
$1000! The Bundys win!
We won! We won! Peg! Peg, where are you?
- Where are you, Peg? - I'm coming, Al. I'm coming. Gangway!
No, Peg! No, it's over!
Well, I married her.
Well, throw another city on the barbie.
It's 112, so remember to crack the window...
...when you leave Grandma in the car.
This is the life, isn't it? Food and an air conditioner.
Your father finally came through for us.
- When's Daddy gonna enjoy all this? - Well, I don't know.
The doctor says that cool air isn't good for an exposed liver.
But don't worry, Daddy's happy in his pool.
And I just brought him a nice, cool drink.
Well, we finished the errands, Mom.
It's such a treat driving Dad's Dodge. The noise, the rust...
...the thrill of watching the open road through the open floorboard.
We got everything you wanted from the store: bourbon-flavoured bonbons...
...romance novels...
...Kenny G CD.
You and Dad are gonna have quite a time tonight, huh?
Batteries.
It seems like there's something we forgot to do.
I guess my cries this morning of " if you use the car...
...please, I beg you, pick me up from work" was a little vague.
Al, would you shut up?
We're trying to remember what we forgot to do.
How did I get home, you ask?
Not having correct change for public transportation...
...nor the bills to get correct change...
...nor the job to get the bills to get correct change...
...I got a ride from two fine gentlemen who drive the road-kill truck.
How was your day, Peg?
Anything interesting happen on the couch?
- Well, actually... - I don't care.
Give me my car key.
Last time you get to use the Dodge!
- How will I get to school? - How will I get to work?
How will I get to the store to buy the double issue of the National Enquirer?
And food and groceries.
Dad, why don't you just get us a car?
Jeez, Louise, why didn't I think of that?
New cars for everybody!
Peg, would you like a BMW?
I kind of see myself in a Jaguar.
If only we could find one that hungry.
Well, I have $400 saved from work. I'll get a car myself.
Hey, wait a second. I have $400 saved too.
We can pool our money and share a car twice as nice.
- Yeah. Not like Dad's piece of... - Children!
Oh, what the hell... Wolfen.
Let me tell you something about sharing. It can only come to trouble.
Your mother and I shared a bed, and nothing good came out of it.
Well, maybe that's because nothing good went into it.
It doesn't matter. You've only got $800.
And $800 can't buy you a car.
- Jefferson, tell them what $800 can buy. - Well...
...it could buy you a nice car.
You know where we can get a car for $800?
Car auctions. You know, where they sell cars seized by federal agencies.
True. They may not be in the best of shape.
Bullet holes, blood stains...
...the smell of rotting bodies.
But then you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge.
There are no bullet holes in my Dodge.
But that can be changed if you're willing to crawl into the trunk.
- Dad, take us to the auction. Please. - We'll share.
How'd the auction go?
Do not touch the car. We don't know where your hands have been.
Then you better not sit in it!
Fine.
The kids purchased a car. And as you can see...
...all my fears about them sharing were unfounded.
I warned you!
On the good side, I got them to knock off $100 on the car.
Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?
- You know what I'm gonna do? - Give the money to me?
Yes. To buy groceries.
Groceries?
Yes, Peg. The stuff you have to wade through to get to the TV Guide.
And I better be able to eat everything in that bag, Peg. Just food.
Just beef.
Just do it.
That's right, Peg. God, they look so firm.
Hold them up for me, baby.
Now let's see that pretty rump.
Beautiful!
Al, my blisters are hurting from carrying that food to the checkout counter.
If you'd been there before, you'd know the carts in front of the store are for that.
I thought that was parking for the homeless.
You will never guess who I met.
The guy who plays Neuter the Cat on the Tender Innards commercials.
You mean that one that says...
..." If this meat were any fresher, the jockey would still be riding it"?
He's so hot. He's the 10th most recognizable cat in media history...
...behind Heathcliff and the late Miles Davis.
Look, sweetheart. Daddy's got meat!
That's great, Daddy.
This guy could do wonders for my career...
...so I asked him on a date in my new car. - Not so fast, Pumpkin.
You're gonna need to be covered.
Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?
I'm talking about auto insurance, you little...
Oh, now, Pumpkin...
...just so you didn't think I didn't care, I got the best.
South Forty Auto Insurance, the farmer's friend.
- But there are things you need to know. - You registered it as a farm vehicle?
Don't be surprised. He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.
The next thing I register's gonna be a handgun.
Sweetheart, now that you drive a farm vehicle...
...there are a few restrictions you need to know about:
One, you must not drive on paved roads.
Two, the Amish always have the right of way.
Three, since you always must be on official business...
...you must have this in your car at all times.
Hence the South Forty motto, "No chicken, no check."
Hey, Kel, great news. I got...
South Forty Insurance, Dad?
It's a damn fine company.
Farmer's best friend, next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.
Anyhow, I got a date with a foreign exchange student who's so easy...
...she makes you look like a calculus problem.
Well, you can't have the car tonight because I'm going out with Neuter.
You can go out with Dad anytime.
- I promised to take her to the drive-in. - I'm taking my date there in my car.
- I'm not giving up my date. - I'm not giving up mine.
American movies are so confusing.
So much subtext. So much character.
The important part to remember...
...is that Elmer is mad at Bugs.
You see, he tied his shotgun into a bow earlier.
Exchange student, huh?
What did we send to her country, a head of lettuce and some sand?
What does she mean by that?
Nothing.
I'm just gonna get comfortable here.
I'm sorry, Kel, if I hurt your legs...
...or his hand.
It's okay. Accidents happen.
Which explains you.
- Hey, shut up! - We're trying to have sex over here!
So are we!
I'm sure you hear this all the time, but your portrayal of Neuter is staggering.
Thanks.
Have you seen my one where I say...
..." My stomach hails the taste of entrails"?
Great date, Kel.
What, was the 4000 Flushes guy busy?
Well, I'm sorry if we were disturbing you and Evita up here.
It's just unusual for me to see you with a date that doesn't require a patch kit.
What does she mean by that?
Nothing.
Shut up!
Come on. Come on.
Let's go.
All right, Kel, look. We can't go on like this anymore.
In order to make this sharing thing work...
...we have to coexist together in the car, okay?
Okay. Deal.
Bud...
...my loins are warm for you.
Get out.
No. I hate you.
If you want the back seat, get into someone else's car.
That is really stupid.
Hey...
...wanna get into the back seat of someone else's car?
Or better yet, that pickup truck?
Isn't that dangerous?
Well, "Danger" is my middle name.
Franklin's his middle name.
Watch. I'll show you how easy it is.
It's all clear.
Come and get it.
Hit the floor.
Oh, look. He must really like you.
He's wearing his underwear with the hearts.
Peg, what are you doing down there?
I'm over here, Mongo.
Well, Peg, where's my tri-tip?
According to Jake, the refrigerator couldn't handle that much food.
So it just kind of OD'd.
What are you saying? That can't happen!
Happened to Elvis.
- Where's my food? - I gave it to the poor.
Well, then it's still around here.
Get over it, Al. It's gone. And so am I.
- I'm eating with the D'Arcys. - What about me?
- They don't like you. - I don't like them.
But I'm willing to go.
Why do I come here?
Why doesn't Willie Nelson do a benefit for me?
He could call it "Al Aid."
I'm so hungry, I could eat a vegetable.
Marcie?
There's a note.
Dear Daddy. Due to circus dances...
- Due to circumst... - What Kelly is trying to say is...
...we had to dump the chick en.
P.S. By the time you read this, I'll be getting some.
Love, Bud.
What am I supposed to do with a live chicken?
Welcome to the terror dome.
Well, I went to the nurse-slash-hotdog lady.
Did you know that relish aids in clotting?
Bud, you are so brave.
You let the dog rip you to pieces for me.
I resonate in my seat for you.
Get out!
Shh! People with futures are talking here.
So you really brought your cat suit?
Yeah. It helps me be myself.
I know it's hard to believe, but I'm a little shy.
I had a tough childhood. People think the rich have it easy. Well, we don't.
Rich?
I don't mean like trillionaires.
Just a few billion.
Anyway, I know it's strange...
...but there are things I can say in my costume that I can't say out of it.
Like what?
Like... inviting certain people I like...
...to all-expense-paid trips to certain island paradises that I own.
Get out!
Not this time, Fancy Feast.
The worm has turned.
A couple seconds of cheap sex means more to you than my happiness?
A milk shake means more to me than your happiness.
Fine. Come on, Neuter.
Let's walk amongst the pines and empty tubes of ointment...
...and talk of the things you own and will give me.
If you'll just help me out of these bandages here...
...we can test the shocks on this baby.
So this island that you own...
...is it near the beach?
Yes.
Well, then put your head on and let's talk.
Kelly...
...l've been alone for a long, long time.
TARGET: CAT WITH BIG HEAD
KILL POSSIBILITY: SLAM DUNK
ETA: ASAP
Just one more bandage.
Then I can really hurt you.
It's been so long.
Well, it's gonna be even longer, King Tut.
- What are you doing here? - I don't wanna talk about it.
Sit down, Neuter.
I'm hungry.
Bud, why don't you go to the nurse and get us a hot dog.
- Why don't you go? - No. You go.
Look. Let's just both go, okay?
All right.
Look, Kel.
- I'm sorry about your friend, okay? - Yeah, well, it's okay.
It's just my luck. All the other cats are either married or gay.
Listen. Let's not fight.
You and Sonja take the car...
...and Neuter and I will go hang out in an alley. He's used to it.
- Thanks, Kel. - No problem.
- Oh, Neuter! - Oh, Sonja!
You know what really hurts, Kel?
Throwing meat in the car and setting Cujo loose on them?
You're way ahead of me.
Then let's get it over with.
Al, correct me if I'm wrong...
...but didn't the insurance policy say "no chicken, no check"?
You hate to see me eat, don't you, Peg?
But it's too late. It's in, and it's staying in.
Yeah. I've heard that before.
I'll get another chicken. The chances of them wrecking the car the one night...
...the chicken isn't in it is a billion-to-one.
Daddy, we wrecked the car.
On purpose.
You were right. Kelly and I aren't ready to share.
So to get our money back, we totalled it.
Toss the chicken in the back seat before the insurance company gets here...
...and we're home free.
You proud of us, big guy?
TARGET: DAUGHTER SON
AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE UP
THE WIFE
We'll be back in a moment with Dr. Sandy...
...channel 67's leading authority on sex and weather.
Mom, how are we gonna get money? Dad took his wallet in the shower.
And when we rifled his pants last night, we found a note in his pocket.
It said, " It's in my underwear. I dare you."
Dad's playing hardball. What are we gonna do?
Don't worry about it. That's not his real wallet. This is.
But won't Dad know?
No! I bought a duplicate wallet, and I filled it with xeroxed money.
I figure if your dad's got the gall to buy something without telling us...
...he deserves to go to jail.
And now we're back with Dr. Sandy and viewer mail.
Our first letter is from Desperate, a.k.a. Peggy Pundy.
She writes, "Lately my husband, we'll call him Sal...
...shows no interest in sex, at least not with me."
Well, perhaps a change of venue might spice up your sex life.
Have you tried doing it in the living room?
Or the kitchen?
And there's always the bathroom.
Try it, Mrs. Pundy. You'll lik e it. I did.
Peg, I'm showered and ready to go to work and edge closer to the grave.
- Wish me luck. - AI, take me!
I want to have sex on the kitchen table.
I want to have a meal on the kitchen table.
Learn to live without. I did. Goodbye.
Al, I'm serious. I want sex.
Peg, how long have we been married? 40, 50 years?
- Do we not have two children? - Well, yeah.
Then my job is done.
- Good morning, Al. - Try selling shoes.
Marcie, let me ask you something.
Have you and Steve ever done it in other places?
Like planes, buses, the observation deck of the John Hancock Building?
Sit down.
I'm trying to put some excitement and spontaneity back into our sex life.
Actually, I'm trying to put Al back into our sex life.
Well, let's start with seduction. What's your technique?
Well, what works best...
...is leaving a trail of chocolate bars from the bathroom to the bed.
The trick is to space them out just right so he doesn't eat too much.
Or he'll doze off before he gets to me.
Perfectly normal. Perfectly normal.
But remember, Peggy, men are like little boys.
You have to make sex naughty, filthy and degrading, the way they like it.
And the way we need it.
So whenever I want to put a little more beef in Steve's jerky...
...I take him to this little romantic motel near the airport.
It's called the Hop On Inn.
Isn't it beautiful?
I think I know what's going on here.
The chocolates in the car, the oil on my zipper.
You want sex, don't you?
No. I want a fur coat, but I'll take what's behind zipper number one.
If you scare him like this, he'll never come out.
Look, Al, I want sex. Do you want to be conscious or not?
Come on, honey. We could start with a Jacuzzi.
Peg, I hate Jacuzzis. They shoot air up my butt.
Well, that's a nice change of pace.
Look. They left us a movie, a mood enhancer.
"Filth."
Sounds pretty romantic. Well, I'm just gonna change.
Okay, Al. Pop in the movie, pop in a breath mint...
...and let's coax the mummy out of his crypt.
I don't want to have sex. You're my wife, for God's sake.
Hasn't having the kids taught you? Nothing good comes of it.
Now, sit down and watch this movie.
Now, isn't this fun?
I didn't know a human leg could do that.
I want that!
And I want that!
And I definitely want that!
You know, that guy looks a little like...
Steve and Marcie!
- That is Steve and Marcie. - Wow! Look at her go.
What pervo would get turned on watching themselves?
Shut up, Al.
No!
I can't believe they taped us.
And on Back to School night.
Steve, I feel so violated.
If we'd known you didn't know, we wouldn't have sprung this on you.
I feel terrible.
Yeah. Laugh, clowns, laugh. But here's a hot flash for you.
If they taped us, they taped you too.
Peg, I told you we should never have sex.
Now everybody's gonna know.
I just know my hair was a mess. And I had on my old nightgown.
- I never look good in pictures. - I know this is off the subject...
...but don't you realize our rights have been violated? We were caught in the act...
Then the ducky said to the frog, "Why is it on the menu?"
No!
TV's for adults.
- Don't you kids have something to do? - I'm just killing time till I'm 18.
I'm helping her count.
Mrs. Rhoades is blushing like a schoolgirl.
You told them!
Everybody knows I'm a porn queen!
Kel, I believe something deeply personal is going on here.
It might be more comfortable for the adults if the children left.
Therefore, I shall open the bidding.
- Five dollars. - I hear 10. Any further bidding?
Perhaps from the little lady with the deep secret?
- AI, can't you get rid of them? - Don't you think I've tried?
All right, you little gangsters. How much are we talking?
Well, 50 bucks hides a lot of shame.
Trust her, she should know.
Kids! Aren't you forgetting something?
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
Al, what are we gonna do?
When the kids go to sleep, I'm looting.
I'm gonna sue these vermin for everything they've got.
I'm a fan of physical violence. What if I go break a back or two?
That way everybody's happy.
Quiet, dear. Steve has a thought on how sex with you can finally be satisfying.
- We can make some money off of this? - And see justice served.
- Right, Marcie? - When you go down there...
...and you've broken their spines and snapped their arms like little twigs...
...and they're truly helpless, then I'll come in.
I'll come in with just a mere old-fashioned can opener.
And I'll do things to them...
...that'll make the devil himself vomit.
Or we could sue.
- How much do you think we can get? - $1,000,000 isn't out of the question.
A million? Al, we hardly do anything together anymore. Let's sue.
- It'd be kind of embarrassing. - $1,000,000, Al.
Do you know what that means to you? $5000.
We should've just beat the hell out of these people.
It's $1,000,000. How else will we get $1,000,000? You earn it?
Now, just relax and be outraged.
How lovely. New meat.
- Who's that? - The attorney for the defence.
Where's our lawyer?
You're looking at him.
It's me, you idiot.
I figure this is an open-and-shut case. A lawyer takes 30%. That's 300,000.
That leaves us only 700,000. After taxes, we get squat.
Now, trust me. I know what I'm doing.
Where's everybody going?
We're standing for the judge, Mr. Darrow.
This court is now in session.
We will be hearing Rhoades and Bundy v. The Hop On Inn.
We will now hear opening statements.
Hello, everyone.
Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop On Inn...
...to indulge in a little clean marital fun.
On separate occasions, of course.
During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities...
...the reaffirmation of the love we share...
...and whatever the Bundys were doing...
...our conjugal privacy was invaded. We were violated by video cameras.
You should hear some background that's germane to this case.
My grandfather came to this country a poor man.
Then in World War II, my Uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs...
...with venereal disease than six armour divisions...
And then they tape us having sex.
And that concludes my opening statement.
Your Honour?
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Ms. Weigel, any opening statements? - The defence passes for the moment.
Good move, girlie.
Mr. Rhoades, call your first witness.
Your Honour, my only witnesses are exhibits A and B.
You have the tapes? You're not going to show those?
$1,000,000, Marcie.
Doesn't my honour mean more to you than $1,000,000?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit A.
And, the end.
Thank you.
Honestly, it was nothing. No, really.
And now exhibit B.
The subpoenaed tape of Mr. and Mrs. Bundy.
And, the end.
In conclusion, I'm sure it's obvious that our privacy was, indeed invaded.
And so, we deserve $1,000,000.
I rest my case.
Ms. Weigel.
I'd like to call my first witness to the stand. Mrs. Marcie Rhoades.
Mrs. Rhoades...
...had you ever been to the Hop On Inn before?
Yes. Once or twice.
- We can't hear you. - I said once or twice.
- Need I subpoena the desk clerk Guido? - 30 or 40 times.
30 or 40 times. Well, I suppose that's normal.
Mrs. Rhoades, are you wearing underwear?
Two pairs.
- And are they both crotchless? - Yes. Damn you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this woman from that tape...
...look like she's been wronged by anyone but her husband?
- I object. - Sure, when she picks on you.
Where were you during the underwear examination?
You weren't deceived. You knew that camera was there all along.
- What kind of woman do you think I am? - Let's just see, shall we?
- Look familiar? - No!
Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.
Get out of my sight. You make me sick.
I'd now like to call to the stand Mr. Al Bundy.
You did put on clean underwear today, didn't you, Al?
Mr. Bundy, on what grounds are you suing?
Well, my wife's sick of poverty...
...and she told me she'd give me $5000.
- That's it? - Then there's that outrage thing.
Let's once again view that arousing performance...
...you claim that my client is capitalizing on.
I'm feeling relaxed here, and I'm breathing good.
There's the foreplay.
And once again, I finish first.
I'd now like to call Mrs. Bundy.
Mrs. Bundy, did you have sex with your husband at the Hop On Inn?
Yes.
May I remind you the penalty for perjury is seven years in prison...
...where, I assure you, you will have sex.
All right.
Well, it may not be sex to you, but it is to me.
Just because you have husbands that last long enough to time an egg...
...doesn't mean that what Al does doesn't count.
You may step down.
Is a crumb not a banquet for a starving person?
- You may step down. - Is a fig leaf not clothing for the naked?
Please, step down.
- You can't do this to Al. - Remove this woman.
He'll lose what little confidence he already has.
You were great, baby. Please, please, don't listen to her. Don't give up.
You are a macho man. God!
- Has the jury reached a verdict? - Yes, we have, Your Honour.
We, the jury, award punitive damages of $10,000 to Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
On the grounds that their privacy was, indeed, invaded.
- Not bad, huh, babe? - Curdle and die.
And, as for the Bundys, no sex, no money.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This court is now adjourned.
Well, Al, at least we still have each other.
Peg, come with me.
- Where are we going? - Come here a minute.
- What, Al? - Hurry up. Come on.
Get down in there.
Like this, Al?
Yeah, like that.
Now, was that sex or was that sex?
That was sex, Al. And you know, if we had been on tape...
...we would have made $1,000,000.